Thumbs!

Or, A Real Conversation That Really Happened

Sometimes my frustration levels get so high I start exaggerating for comedic value. So no, I don't seriously think the people responsible for the current economic crisis should cut off their thumbs and mail them to me. But if I did...

MRS. CONTAINER: Yeah, I'm seeing a severe shortage of thumbs in the future.

ME: Right, because I'm going to have them all.

MRS. C: No, I meant you're going to have a thumb shortage, on account of I don't think wrongdoers are actually going to send you their thumbs.

ME: Well, they should. In fact, in the future, there's going to be a massive thumb shortage, because I'll be stockpiling them all.

MRS. C: . . .

ME: In fact, I'm going to harvest so many thumbs, that in the future the human race will evolve to not even have thumbs, just to avoid the hassle of getting their thumbs harvested by my thumb-bots.

MRS. C: . . .

ME [making pinching motions with my thumb and forefinger]: That's what I'm going to call my little crab-robots that go around snipping thumbs.

MRS. C [making pinching motions]: Ironic that they'll need thumbs to do it.

ME: But not opposable thumbs. More like mandibles. Only, at the end of their arms. So really, handibles. That's what I'll call them. Handibles.

MRS. C: Handibles.

ME: Totally. My most popular model will be the Lecter 3000.

Okay, parts of this conversation have been exaggerated for comedic value. But get it? Handibles! Lecter! I feel better already!