Too Big To... Wait, What?

Or, I know I know but still

So I hear that GM is now gonna be mostly owned by the UAW and the Federal Government. Which, I figure, means that the Federal Government will continue to prop it up for years to come. This got me thinking.

First, it got me thinking, how does this happen? How does a company that employs so many people, that comprises such a large fraction of the nation's economy, suck so badly that it's about to fail?

Bench duck is suspicious.

I know, I know. If I were to ask my go-to econ guy George, I'm sure he'd have all kinds of explanations about how big companies can fail just as easily as small ones. But still... Really? Really? Is this really how it's supposed to be? Big company, big payroll, big business... failing?

Which brings me to the second thing it got me thinking: Is this really the kind of company I want to own? Is it really the kind of company I want the government to own on my behalf, with my money? I mean, I'm pretty sure it's not even the kind of company I'd want to work for.

The third thing I was thinking was... about this whole "too big to fail" thing. How does that work, exactly? I know, I know. If they fail, they take down too much of the economy with them. But still. It kinda seems like a lame excuse, if you ask me.

"Too big to fail." It's weak. Weaksauce. You know what I want to hear? "Too awsome to fail." "Too busy eating the competition's lunch to fail." "Too successful to fail." I mean, if I'm gonna own some companies, I want to own the ones that aren't, you know, failing. I dunno. That's just me, I guess.

Finally, it got me thinking about how whenever there's a big union strike, like at Boeing or wherever, I always wonder if, since Labor seems to think it knows better than Management how to run a company, why they even bother having Management at all? Why work for Boeing, if Boeing doesn't know how to run an airplane company? Why not take those union dues, buy your own factory, and manufacture your own airplanes? You know?

Anyway, now that the UAW pension fund owns 55% of General Motors, I guess I'm kinda getting to satisfy my curiosity: does Labor really know better than Management, or not? I just wish they'd try out this little experiment without using my money for it.

My economic prediction: continued growth in the Thumbs Futures market, over the next several quarters.

Thumbs!

Or, A Real Conversation That Really Happened

Sometimes my frustration levels get so high I start exaggerating for comedic value. So no, I don't seriously think the people responsible for the current economic crisis should cut off their thumbs and mail them to me. But if I did...

MRS. CONTAINER: Yeah, I'm seeing a severe shortage of thumbs in the future.

ME: Right, because I'm going to have them all.

MRS. C: No, I meant you're going to have a thumb shortage, on account of I don't think wrongdoers are actually going to send you their thumbs.

ME: Well, they should. In fact, in the future, there's going to be a massive thumb shortage, because I'll be stockpiling them all.

MRS. C: . . .

ME: In fact, I'm going to harvest so many thumbs, that in the future the human race will evolve to not even have thumbs, just to avoid the hassle of getting their thumbs harvested by my thumb-bots.

MRS. C: . . .

ME [making pinching motions with my thumb and forefinger]: That's what I'm going to call my little crab-robots that go around snipping thumbs.

MRS. C [making pinching motions]: Ironic that they'll need thumbs to do it.

ME: But not opposable thumbs. More like mandibles. Only, at the end of their arms. So really, handibles. That's what I'll call them. Handibles.

MRS. C: Handibles.

ME: Totally. My most popular model will be the Lecter 3000.

Okay, parts of this conversation have been exaggerated for comedic value. But get it? Handibles! Lecter! I feel better already!