Minority Report

Or, Why can't a woman... be more like a man?

I have three friends whose judgement I trust. Let's call them Castor, Pollux, and Hermes.

Recently I found reason to update my resume. For a pleasant change of pace, I decided to shorten it considerably--down to one page, in fact. I thought this produced a snappier, more direct document that would favorably impress hiring managers. When I was done, I sent it to my three friends.

Castor and Pollux both liked the new, shorter resume. Hermes, as is often the case, responded with a rundown of all the problems he saw in it. I mean, he wasn't a complete jerk about it: He opened by complimenting me on the valiant attempt. But then he got right down to the business of tearing it apart.

Whatever. I liked the new resume, and the majority report agreed with me. So I published it to all the usual suspects. About a week later, I got a call from a recruiter. "You're a perfect match for this position," he said. "But... do you have a different resume? Maybe something longer and more detailed?" He then proceeded to repeat Hermes' list of concerns, point-for-point. Almost word-for-word.

Anyway, I figured if my resume is putting up red flags for recruiters, it damn well better be putting up red flags for me. I promptly re-wrote it in a longer, more detailed form, and sent it to the recruiter. He called me back about ten minutes later to congratulate me.

We'll see if it pays off.

Why can't a woman... be more like a man?
In other news, the other day I caught a bit of discussion on one of the local morning radio talk shows. The topic was "how do I tell my girlfriend she puts on too much makeup when we go out on dates?" The consensus of the panelists (3 men, 2 women), was that there was essentially no acceptable way to do this. No matter how you play it, you look like an insensitive, insulting jerk.

Which-all reminded me of Hermes' response to my resume. Bro to bro, he doesn't spend a lot of time trying to spare my feelings. Don't get me wrong: Hermes is a very thoughtful and considerate dude. But when it comes to solving problems, he likes to get right down to cases. And I don't hold it against him. It's not like he's running around saying "you're a stupid doody head who can't resume their way out of a wet paper bag", and such like that. Not at all. He's just all like, "there a problem? Yo, I'll solve it. Check out the hook while my DJ revolves it."

The way I figure, men and women are complimentary, not contradictory. Men--at least the ones I know--like to skip the pleasantries and get right down to problem-solving. I figure, that's something women don't really appreciate as much as I'd like. There's a lot of emphasis in our society on men getting in touch with their feminine side, and learning how to communicate in woman-language so that women will hear them instead of hating them. To me, it really seems like that should be a two-way street.

Epilogue
Mrs. C. and I have evolved a pretty strong relationship over the years. One big reason is that she has relentlessly conditioned me to humor her moods and respond to her in the idiom of her choosing (i.e., more empathy, less problem-solving).

But the other big reason is that early on we agreed upon a simple rule of thumb: Whenever I say something, and it could be interpreted more than one way, and one of those ways makes me seem like a hateful, inconsiderate jerk? I meant it the other way.

As a result, the only thing we really fight about these days is how I always steal all the covers during the night. At least in my sleep I'm still my own man.